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[Hide] (876.9KB, 1365x723) >>8592
foremost I do sincerely apologize for having written what is functionally an entire essay;
I don't really like gta either tbh I'd agree on that. It's a dumpsterfire series with good aesthetics and music me do thinks so.
Bayside practically serves little to no purpose in the main story but I used to coast SAMP when I was a teenager which was like the videogame equivalent of a slowly spinning fidget spinner tbh. just music + mildly repetitive task + high fov first person mod and that was my SA experience
also
>all I really liked about that game was being able to make out with your friend
based?????
>To use another video game reference, it's like how the only true antagonist of 2077 is Night City itself
I get the macro analogy but I guess if we're to talk about capitalism I feel like money (and thereby to an extent capitalism) can be a good thing depending how you look at it. From an arts related perspective I'd always thought "I'd never ever ever sell art" which, I still haven't, but I feel like I wouldn't mind doing it (in theory) nowadays because I like the idea of being able to spend the money on things I can share with my people or simply just having the resources be there for when I want to do something with my people. But I do completely understand the perspective. Money or even capitalism (to me) feels like it can almost be illusory depending on how close or distant you are from the process of acquiring it. Which is ironic, that I'm probably the wealthiest (or moreso simply resourceful enough to have money to spend on a lot of things) I've ever been my entire life and I've been being a "cheapskate" about a lot of things. It started feeling like "well earning X costs me Y so do I really think item-Z is worth that price tag?" a lot more which I think is a good life skill.
>I live in a very rural place
I actually almost expected this but not in a "haha stereotype" kinda rude way. Something about people's upbringing affecting their preferences does seem universal (to some extent) to me. The majority of the people around me take a very strong disliking to being in a "busy(ish) city" and dream of moving into the rural areas for example. I feel like, much as a misanthrope, I thrive here. Being good at managing people/relations/business/impressions is basically the most necessary skill for living in a cityscape hellscape and I feel like since I'm good at those, I get the idea I might go like "man! plants and crops! no drama???" if I ever lived in a rural area. That's probably just my latently warped view though, I've been in rural areas before. I sometimes do miss my earlier days where my biggest anxiety was things like "I'm gonna walk 15 miles and back home today and I hope my legs don't give up by the fifth hour and I have to sleep on moist grass the entire night" and stuff like just... going around and sitting down and listening to the wind, sea, watching the stars. I did that a lot when I was growing up, though I did shift away as with my goals changing.
also this is non-chronological but
>Don't I belong out there where the people are, where the action is, where objectives are being met? Wasn't that place made for me? So why do I only feel at home when it's all gone, when it's just me? Art that makes me feel these things tend to be among my favorites
that's the natural tension of having an (in parts) active life I think. That's actually pretty healthy in a way because that stems from you having that internal sense of "the world outside is serious" and "back home is where I relax" and there's always that pull between being active (but being active always being stressful) and needing to relax. That's good! that's solid.
On the matters of history and identity though, I don't honestly know, that's always been something confusing to me personally as well. I don't really feel a whole lot of ties with my ancestors, not really from a perspective of denying heritage so much as just not having grown up with any of their culture. My mind always processes as "identity is modular > I belong around the people who treat me best" so I never struggled much chameleoning my way into different circles. I've been around relatively "high class" people before, junkies, nerds, etc. I do find my own adaptability a bit uncomfortable myself in contrast, though. I feel like I had too many people over the totality of my life. I know people from a lot of countries, which is cool, but part of me does always have that "I'd rather have my self-image be anchored to something" but idk. I personally have this (mildly polarizing) idea of "people with merit choose where they belong" kinda logic. I even used to get angry when people tried attributing my personal struggles and achievements as though it were family/heritance/blood/nationality because I'm sure you'd agree that things that are difficult to work on, you must've also felt some sense of "I'm not just working alone on this but it feels like people are trying to actively sabotage me now that they see all this effort" which makes it all the more insulting when people who don't support the struggle try to go "yeah see I was here?" afterwards. Though not everyone is like that, I do appreciate those people.
About loneliness, I don't honestly know. I mean I personally don't like feeling lonely, yes, but I ultimately try to steer away from people almost as much as possible. The thing with people is that they take time. I feel like if I tried being a "more social" person I would've definitely had less time to dedicate the few I love the most, feel less lonely when I'm alone (and then not miss the people I love the most as much as I feel like I should), have less time to work on and towards the things I want to. Especially that "not missing people enough" thing. I hate that about modern life. The idea that I (or anyone) can practically occupy themselves to the point of being able to just outright forget their close ones always infuriated me. It just feels so wrong that we even have the option to auto-pilot so hard that introspection and reflection can become optional.
Also I like your take on """subliminal places""" fairly. Comparably, I kinda like living in a controlled mess and have it look all "man how does someone even operate here?" on the outside and the inside is more of an internal culture of odd-operationality in itself. Like I use a loveseat instead of a proper chair and a bluetooth keyboard on my lap since the chair isn't high enough for my desk, and have a hand-tied curtain on the back-end of my desk for when it gets too sunny outside. It feels stupidly like piloting something. It feels very "this is financially worthless, a complete hassle to anyone regular, a normal person would hate even trying to operate here, and I thrive in this" and I like that.
though, they do say "home is where the heart is" soo... 👁